Anyway, you know about the CAFE standard for cars? Corporate Average Fuel Economy? Where everybody's got to improve their average performance over the years if they wanna sell here? Well, the guys at EPA are talking about you, Santa, and after talking to the FAA they've decided to create a new standard called CARE. Guess what that stands for? You got it. Christmas Average Reindeer Emissions. Get the picture? Beat 'em to it, Santa, and downsize the reindeer team. You might also even get the folks at Hummer to stick airbags in the sleigh as misdirection. You don't wanna be the bad guy here, and they're gonna try to stick it to you. Wait'll Limbaugh gets bored with framing Hilary for everything and decides to start in on you and the reindeer. I wouldn't be at all surprised if they don't try to cook up a love triangle thing with you, Sam and Vixen, get a Special Prosecutor for Animal Rights involved, even hold Congressional Hearings. Don't laugh. Those guys are real Gila Monsters. They never let go. And they'll stop at nothing. Not a shred of decency!!!

Anyway, that's the news from Lake Happyface. So, look, Santa, just think of it as minor attitude adjustments. I think you're still OK for this Christmas, but you really have to look toward the future. You have your rep to consider (and Sam's too - she has a lot invested in both your career and also her own, and if you go down in flames there is no way she's going to be able to succeed, except maybe by publishing a stupid "Life On The Pole: Santa's Sam Tells All" kind of book, which none of us want, now do we?), and while Yo'man really is infinitely patient, she has her moody days, as the few remaining folks on Jupiter can definitely tell you. So, even if you are her favorite nephew . . .

Seriously, Santa. Christmas is a magical time for all of us, and believe me, we really appreciate it! You've done something absolutely fabulous for us poor miserable humans and you've earned such a central place in our hearts that no matter what happens, we'll always love and cherish you. So Merry Christmas to you too, Santa!!! And have a ball (heh, heh) with the new Virtual Reality game at the elves' New Year's Eve Bash (I got a peek at the demo, and she was awesome!). I'll see you in February when Sam comes down to cut her new tracks. Tell her to make sure she's using the right MIDI driver this time, have the bass player get new strings, and have the doo-wop elves rehearsed for once. See you then. We can do lunch and talk while Sam's laying down the comps, OK?

Dave Moulton is absolutely out of his mind with Christmas Spirits.