And there's a practical reason for doing this, Santa. I mean, I don't like to be the one to tell you, but you got some political and operational problems looming on the horizon, and I really suggest you position yourself in the politically correct part of the spectrum before the tabloids and Rush get into this. Your problem is the reindeer.

Remember, last year? Sam screwed up the list and you missed the kid with leukemia just south of Baltimore? And, bless you, even with your really nutty schedule, you turned back, couldn't pass up a kid with leukemia, particularly if it might be a photo op (anything within 100 miles of Washington is a photo op, right?). And because you were really wigged out about time, you lit Donder and Blitzen's afterburners. Remember all that?

Well, back in the old days, it would have been all right. They just used to figure the boom was thunder and the air pollution, well, it drifted away after a while and nobody knew what caused it. But it's gotten a little more complicated now, Santa, and I guess I've gotta be the one to tell ya.

Everybody thinks the reindeer are really cute, with the whole "On Dancer, on Prancer" routine. But the tabloids are getting close to the truth, Santa. You can't get away with it forever. Any day now they are gonna figure out who Donder and Blitzen really are! Thunder and Lightning! Uh-ohhh! Santa's been playing with Mother Nature and he's gonna be in trouble now. Not just with the EPA, either. The military would die for the chance to get their hands on Donder and Blitzen if they ever realized what they were! Think of it. Tame, tundra-eating tera-volt giga-amp bionic capacitors of pure DC energy, disguised as fuzzy little deersies! When they find out what a piece of work you really are, Santa . . .

Anyway, what happened (I got this from a friend high up in the FAA, who also has reliable sources at EPA) was, when you came screaming back in from Altoona or wherever you'd gotten to, to take care of this kid, when Blitzen's afterburner kicked in you were just under the landing approach for international flights at Dulles and the RF spike from Blitzen not only took out all the digital toys you were carrying, even though they were in static-proof bags (remember what a mess that was? - the Virtual Elves threatening a class action suit and everything for ruining their rep, as if they really had one, ha ha!), but it also took out the local approach guidance system for Dulles plus just about every computer system, phone line and power transformer in northern Virginia, even fluxed the IRS's Uninterruptible Power Supply for the primary federal tax return memory cores up in Martinsburg WV for one brief heart-warming moment (Yo'man shouldn't tease us like this!). Did a heap of damage, and they're still trying to figure out what happened. They blamed the boom on an outbound Alitalia flight, but Alitalia decided to fight the fine in court, brought in their black boxes to show it couldn't have been them and so they're closing in on you, Santa. My friend says they're beginning to say, "Hmmm, it was Christmas Eve. Could it possibly have been . . . ?"

So I'm not kidding, Santa, when I say its time to Get Green. Just like GM. They went from eight cylinders to six, you can go from eight reindeer to six. Ya gotta dump Donder and Blitzen. If you need more torque, bring Rudy as a spare, he's such a torque-head, ha ha! Sorry, Rudy. It really is a public service. Those of us in the recording business who do have to work on Christmas Eve because some stupid client forgot to change bass strings before the session, or decided that the studio makes a wonderful rehearsal hall, really don't appreciate either the RF or the noise as you go over. And when you get frantic, like last year, well . . .